Photo by Dan Meyers on Unsplash
It is often said that the opposite of addiction is connection. Luckily for us humans, we are never alone. A mantra that has preserved more hearts than humanity will ever truly understand. Yet, if we are never truly alone, why is it that my significant other and I seem to be so disconnected? Why am I talking to my cat so much? And no, he’s not answering me back, as of yet.
While I have not attended 12-step meetings, I know many that have. But what I have known is the devastating effects of depression, suicidal thoughts, and the crippling fear of isolation for the past two-plus decades of my life. The need to connect with others despite crippling fear that occupies my every waking thought more days than I care to count.
Despite my social limitations, I’ve led an interesting life; having spoken before Congress, earned multiple degrees, traveled throughout the world, and missioned on three continents. I’ve worked on bettering my mental health issues. Finding personal ways to reach out to loved ones, instead of self-isolating, participate in online video conference meetings, and attend phone meetings, etc. All these options are terrific substitutes to what we know and a reminder that this pandemic is not a forever situation; this too shall pass.
However, I’m not at all likely to go to see my friends or participate in the ways I would normally self-soothe; going out to dinner, attending a farmer’s market, traveling to see family and friends in other parts of the country. All measures made near-to-impossible currently due to the Covid-19 pandemic. As it doesn’t feel safe to me, and it doesn’t feel like it respects the CDC requests to self-quarantine. We might not get COVID-19, but we could carry it and pass it on to others. I have people that I love, and I would be devastated if I carried the virus to any of those people.
Since the start of the pandemic, I’ve spent time coming to terms with my greatest fear- my fear of abandonment. The overwhelming worry that people close to you will leave. And I’m sure I am not alone. As anyone can develop a fear of abandonment. Often, a traumatic experience deeply rooted in childhood experiences that manifest as distressing relationships in adulthood.
If you fear abandonment, it can feel almost impossible to maintain healthy relationships. This paralyzing fear can lead you to wall yourself off to avoid getting hurt. Or you might be inadvertently sabotaging relationships. Time spent at home during the pandemic has allowed me ample opportunity to self-examine not just my fear of abandonment but specifically emotional abandonment.
We all have emotional needs and when those needs aren’t met, you may feel unappreciated, unloved, and disconnected. You can feel very much alone, even when you’re in a relationship with someone who’s physically present. Or social distance.
If you’ve experienced emotional abandonment in the past, especially as a child, you may live in perpetual fear that it will happen again. While it’s normal for babies and toddlers to go through a separation anxiety stage, what happens when your symptoms manifest as a 30-something adult woman? While you desire to cry, scream, or refuse to let go of others. Attachments that often take on a socially- inappropriate undertone. Often leaving me feeling rejected and disappointed. Yet, afraid to share these feelings with others. Especially when socially distancing at home.
A fear that prevents me from becoming vulnerable in relationships, trusting others and their motives, worrying excessively about relationships, and suspicious of my partners. Anxieties that cause the other person to pull back, perpetuating the cycle. Worse, symptoms of this fear for me are very predictable, including:
- Sensitivity to perceived criticism
- Difficulty making friends
- Taking extreme measures to avoid rejection or separation
- Sabotaging relationships
- Difficulty committing to a relationship
- Obsessively working too hard to please partners
- Self-blaming for failed relationships
- Staying in long-term narcissistic, or codependent relationships
Now, what do I believe causes many of my fears of abandonment? For me, this stems from being abandoned by my biological mother, an emotionally distant maternal figure, my maternal grandmother, including being her long-term caretaker during her eventual demise from early-onset dementia, the murder of my main caretaker, my maternal great uncle Danny at the age of sixteen, rape, and a series of failed long-term adult romantic relationships.
I’m also an avoidant personality type. Which is a personality disorder that can involve fear of abandonment resulting in the person feeling socially inhibited or inadequate. Many of my own personal symptoms for this disorder include:
- Nervousness
- Poor self-esteem
- Fear of being judged
- Self-imposed social isolation
- Panic attacks
- Distress at the thought of being separated from loved ones
- Nightmares
- Mood swings
- Fear of intimacy
- Depression
And, of course, you may be asking what are my perceived fear of abandonment? A few examples include:
- Thoughts of, “No attachment, no abandonment.”
- Obsessively freighting over perceived faults of what others may think of me.
- Feeling crushed when someone gets upset with you.
- Feel inadequate and unappealing.
- Feeling critical of my partner.
While fear of abandonment isn’t a diagnosable mental health disorder, for myself and others, it can be addressed with therapy, life-coaching, journaling, speaking with houses of faith, and confiding with partners. All of which I’ve been able to do via online methods during the Covid-19 pandemic at home.
Other at-home tips include giving yourself grace from harsh self-judgment. Reminding yourself of all the positive qualities that make you a good friend and partner. And if need be, seeking online therapy or rehab services. Get help TODAY if you are inactive addiction. If you need treatment, start your road to recovery today contact rehab Hawaii.
Also, if you’re in a relationship with someone with abandonment issues, friendship and otherwise, a few tips to help those loved ones including talking to the other person about your fear of abandonment and how it came to be, allowing your partner to be mindful of what you expect of others. Explaining where you’re coming from, but don’t make your fear of abandonment something for them to fix. Don’t expect more of them than is reasonable.
Overall, remember that we all live in unsettling times, you might feel like you’re abandonment issues are on hyper-alert. As it’s a natural feeling as we are isolated from the world, not working, seeing friends, etc. Even in times when we may feel the need to used drinking or drugs as our go-to solution for many years. Though COVID-19 and social distancing might come and go, we can FEEL normal. We can feel loved. Abandonment is fixable. Starting with loving yourself. Then, share your troubles with these. After all, a problem shared is a problem cut in half.
Do we all live in unsettled times? To say the least. Proverbially or otherwise. during a pandemic feels like we have no control. We were powerless over drugs and alcohol and now, we are powerless to get to a face-to-face meeting. However, please don’t let this necessary isolation take you to a destructive place. No need to pull the shades and hide. Open the windows and let the light of day shine in. The universe has amazing and positive vibes to send you if you just keep your mind, your heart, and your soul open to it.
Just do something today. Call a friend. Write a blog post. Sanitize your house. Celebrate yourself. You’re worth fighting for. You’re worth the whole damn world. Friends, do you struggle with abandonment issuers? If you have tips for working past these fears, please share your thoughts in the comments below.
