Why I took a break from blogging

It has been a while since I last posted something on this blog. Over three months to be exact. The truth is that I just needed a break. A long break.

There has been so much going on in my life. From expanding my local art business, to creating blocks of time to devote to writing my first book, to running couponing classes I was spent. This of course was added to the fact that these were my online activities, and my nine-to-five job. I felt I had absolutely no time left for this blog.

In full disclosure, it has also been kind of great to have days spend without thinking about editorial calendars, following the constant montage of daily deals and steals, the hours spent anguishing over sending disappointing emails to people seeking to work on collaborative events. Mind you, I did enjoy not having to focus on the disappointments of sponsors that I was expecting to get – that I did not.

There are probably twenty reasons that I justified myself in taking a break for a while, and although I won’t share all twenty of them, I know it’s important to share a the main reason why.

The main reason I stopped blogging was my second trimester miscarriage.

You see my pregnancy was not a well known fact. Aside from my in-laws and a select few friends and fellow bloggers, no one knew. This was my choice, my way of protecting myself until I knew I had a confirmed pregnancy. Even after I had a confirmed pregnancy my baby, my nesting, my decluttering became my secret happiness.

And then one afternoon my world changed. I miscarried my child.

Losing my baby though miscarriage has been one of the most difficult experiences that I have ever endured. There are no words to explain the depth of despair that I’ve felt, the shift that occurs when the hopes and expectations of a new life are gone. It has been an experience that will never make sense to me.

I know the facts. I know that approximately 15-20% of confirmed pregnancies in this country will end in miscarriage. Yet I was still hopeful. I know that some women who lose babies through miscarriage are able to move through this loss freely. I have not been able to do so. I have felt less than grounded, not ready to move forward. My mind has been cloudy. I have been unable to tell anyone how I feel. Aside from my necessary work and family obligations, my life has been on hold.

While most of these changes are purely emotional, there have been physical manifestations as well. After the initial pregnancy ending hemorrhaging, bleeding, one of the most disconcerting aspects of my pregnancy was the slow tapering of pre-miscarriage blood flow which caused my pulse to throb in my ears. It was the kind of noise that makes one feel like an aneurysm is imminent. I felt like I was dying, but in your heart you know it’s the first of many stages my postpartum body will endure.

Never has that pit in your stomach analogy rang truer than literally having an empty belly. Of course engorged, painful breasts, two weeks of hormone-induced night sweats, bouts of acid reflux, back pain induced by a retroverted uterus, an infection, and three weeks of bleeding episodes, the kind where you don’t want to leave your home were excruciating. Worst still were my feelings. My emotions have been all over the place. Starting with denial, then anger, and as of late depression. And if the grief scale is true, I hope acceptance soon follows.

For me, discussing mommy issues, homeschooling, crafting, meal planning, and the like seemed very lack-luster, totally lame. The world of blogging can sometimes be nothing short of a ticker tape of all things baby-related. I had hopes my blog would be the place I could blog about my babies first memories. I was afraid of the conversation and comments that would come as a result of this very post. I can’t tell you how many times I read the infamous six-word 1920’s flash-fiction piece by Ernest Hemingway, “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” It just seemed needed. It’s hard to believe it’s only been a little over a month since I miscarried. I miss my baby. Every day.

I can also tell you I’ve spent a lot of time in prayer, time in the word. Time filling the hole in my heart with the outpouring of love I’ve received from my husband and others. And I’ve tried to fill the emptiness in my gut with chocolate and mandarin oranges, a habit that will have to worked on at a later date.

Miscarriages are horrible at any stage. But this was my miscarriage. I felt my baby move, and now I feel unsettled. Late last year I started to work towards periscoping daily, youtubing weekly, then put these goals on hold to focus on building my family, and now I frankly feel as I look like a giant, fat, empty slug, with little to share with others.

This is not to say I haven’t tried to focus on the blessings I do have, my family, my husband, my home, my faith. These were just the notions are the thoughts that run through my head each night. This is just how I’ve felt. I’ve always called this blog my second child, and well, I feel I’ve failed in the mom department on that one as well. When my life fell apart, I lost my focus as a blogger. I lost my desire to work and document my life, and I hope this has helped explain why I needed time.

I believe in transparency on my blog and in life. After my miscarriage I was not comfortable with my vulnerability, and I couldn’t put my whole heart into the blog. I felt like I couldn’t keep up with everything. Namely social media, recipes, ideas, pictures, and more importantly life. I’ve screamed, cried, washed my face, and am ready to paint the barn of life again.

So, what have I been up to? I’ve spent a lot of time focusing on downsizing my work schedule. I re-read Marie Kondo’s The Life-changing magic of tidying up. I gained eleven pounds. I bought a treadmill. I noticed a few gray hairs. I didn’t color my hair. I listened to Louis Armstrong. I watched a lot of HGTV’s Fixer Upper. I created a capsule wardrobe. I ditched half my makeup. And I slept. A lot. I just needed to step back, breath, look at everything from a different view. I needed to give myself grace.

And while I’m making a laundry list of confessions, I’ve also decided to make some changes on this blog as well.

You see at the beginning of 2014, I made a halfhearted commitment to publish a blog posts and deals each and every day, sometimes in excess of ten deal posts a day. This was done to provide my readers up-to-date couponed deals.

The ante of life has re-directed my focus.

While still a frugal-minded blogger, I want to stay more consistent with my niche as a frugal living blogger. Simply put, my heart is no longer focused on couponing and deals. In fact, I have not personally shopped with coupons in the past eight months. As a result, I will no longer be posting coupon deal posts via my blog. This is being done to keep the integrity and transparency of this blog in tact. I only want to show my readers how I actually shop.

Before you ask, no my budget has not increased. I am still able to keep my monthly food budget for a family of three under $I60.00 each month. I do this by way of meal planning, shopping in reverse, price point lists, budgeting, online shopping, and digital app savings. No more, no less. I will no longer post weekend drugstore scenarios, coupon listings, and rebate forms. I will post monthly shopping haul, freezer cooking, meal plan posts, recipes, diy and upcycled posts. My reviewing will also be drastically reduced. While I will continue to blog about book, product, and subscription service boxes, the reviews I chose will only be for products that are truly my jam!

I’ve also decided to start posting editorial pieces, Weight Loss Wednesday, and DIY posts each Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Meal Plan Monday’s and Sunday’s weekly Happiness is Homemade Linky Party will remain as-is, leaving Friday and Saturday’s posting schedules open and used as needed. I just want to create more quality pieces on this blog. I don’t want to end up with an abandoned blog that damages my professional and personal credibility as a blogger. While three posts per week is an arbitrary number, I do think it’s a good amount of writing.

Yesterday, I found a bunch of old posts I wrote for my first blog, The LadyPreferstoSave. I loved the frankness of these early posts. This is also not the quality of posts on this blog as of late. In 2015 I wasn’t producing my best work, and I don’t like it. I can’t tell you how many posts this past year were thrown together from a last-second idea because I had to publish something. Most was awkward at best. I don’t want to publish just for the sake of posting, because I’m supposed to do so, because my Google calendar said so. I feel I can do better than this for me, and you.

My new plan is this: to write and publish blog posts with a focus on diy’ing, cooking, creating, meal planning, store hauls, gardening, capsule wardrobes, and upcycling.

I want to share my struggles and triumphs. I want to post my actual budgetary guidelines. I want to write about living simply. I want to write about thriving. That’s truly a passion of mine, my calling. Helping others learn by my former financial missteps. I want to put more effort and care into the things I publish. And to write because I have something worth saying.

So, today I’m switching to this new model. While in some aspects of my life I may still need distance and grace, my writing is not . Having some time off from writing has given me the time to regroup, to get excited about blogging again.

I plan to blog about my raw blogging views. I’m just going to come back and do things the way that feels right. And I’m super excited about it.

Here’s to us all,

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6 Comments

Nicole

Welcome, savvy savers! My name is Nicole, and I'm the LadyPrefers2Save. We believe in making the minimalist mindset manageable, through budgeting, upcycling, & healthy menu planning. I thank you for stopping by and giving us the opportunity to help you prefer to save, too!

6 Comments

Reply Elizabeth Meyers March 12, 2016 at 4:15 pm

I’m so sorry for your loss. I had a 2nd trimester miscarriage followed by severe hemorrhaging several years ago. The loss of my son has completely impacted every area of my life. I will truly never be the same person again. I struggled for a long time, but I am doing much better now. I think about him all the time and look forward to meeting him in Heaven. If you ever want someone to chat with, please feel free to email me. I felt very alone and had no one to talk to who understood what I was going through. I don’t want other women to feel alone the way I did.
Hugs & Prayers,
Elizabeth

Reply Nicole March 13, 2016 at 5:47 pm
Thank you so much, Elizabeth. I am always in awe of the bravo, fellowship, and kindness of fellow bloggers. I will have to take you up on your offer soon. Thank you so much!

Reply Angelia March 3, 2016 at 8:10 am

I feel your pain, I have been there too I do know about you but I still think of my loss every now and again.I was active duty military stationed in Japan and I lost my child in December and I could not take leave my husband was deployed I was alone and I only got 3 days SIQ sick in quarters so I was still loosing the baby when I had to return to work..The only and I mean only thing that kept me going was the Minister told me that the spirit I had was mine and would return to me and so it was so. I knew this to be true because when I did get pregnant again it was exactly a year later and she was very very early and 2 pounds but she was a fighter and now she is 21. I found out that I had endometriosis which made getting pregnant harder. We were blessed with one child. I am forever grateful for her. But occasionally I mourned the loss of my hope to have had more children..But my health did not get better and so God new best. I hope you find peace, that you take this time for yourself because I could not and I know it would have helped. Be sad, be strong, be whatever you need to be and then eventually you will find your way back to a happier time..Don’t try to go through the grief too fast trust me it doesn’t work. But use it, feel it and then learn from it a lesson of how strong you really are and how much life you have to give..I am sending love, light and healing your way through prayer..

Reply Nicole March 3, 2016 at 8:37 am
Angelia, thank you so much for your life-affirming words. Then mean more than you will ever know.

Reply Heather aka HoJo March 3, 2016 at 7:59 am

Your transparency is so brave! Kudos to you for taking time to heal yourself, and best of luck with your decision to switch things up here on your blog. I’m excited to see where this path leads you! I will continue to keep you in my prayers for strength, as I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are going through. Good luck with everything going forward!