Growing up my grandmother was the strong-willed, hyper-capable matriarch of our family. A woman who spent most of her life caring for her entire family. From raising her youngest brother to helping put her younger siblings through college, she always found a way to be of service to those near and dear to her heart.
Even in her later years, her life served as an example of courage and strength. Despite an early onset dementia diagnosis, she remained as engaged, lively, and empathetic to others as she was able to be. With her life being a shining example that when it comes to aging, a life build on character and grace will take you far in life. As beauty is truly a fluke of nature, whereas a woman who becomes more beautiful as she ages, is the result of a life well-lived.
Born in the Appalachian Mountains on Taylor’s Mountain, Virginia in 1944, as the second oldest of six, my grandmother, Carolyn, took to her role of caretaker with poise and grace. At the age of 10, her family was disbanded and siblings were each sent to various homes in their area as their family could no longer afford to feed their children. My grandmother was sent with her youngest brother, Danny, who was a newborn child. At the age of 15, she tested out of her county school and became the first in her family to graduate from high school. She would take a factory job and secured herself a home. At age 16, she legally adopted her brother and raised him as her own.
While raising her brother, she received a grant that allowed her to quit her job and attend college. She and her brother lived in a family dorm suite while she went to college and eventually receive her master’s. Working nights cleaning the school and tailoring dresses for professors’ wives to pay boarding fees. Shortly after college, she would marry and become a mother, twice over, only to divorce a few short years later. After her divorce, she relocated to the D.C. area where she took a job at the veteran’s administration.
There she would become a regional director and the first woman Shop Stewart of her union in her region. She also befriended many veterans and became a staunch anti-Vietnam protestor after seeing the condition of veterans coming home. This is a picture of her in the summer of 1965. Taking a break from helping to register African Americans to vote. The same woman who in two decades’ time would take on the task of raising me. By way of the woman from whom I learned to care for others and to allow others to care for me.
Despite the difficulties she and I faced together over the years, it was a true honor in being her caretaker for her last few years of life. The privilege of serving the woman who served so many others throughout her life. An opportunity to pay it forward to the woman for whom I owe so much of my own success in life. And with her passing, I strive daily to fulfill the role of provider and confidant she lovingly bestowed upon me. To cultivate the same sense of loveliness she embraced in life. Both as the woman of her own home and caretaker for our family.
Because there are many types of caregiving. Many of us think of caregiving as literally taking care of a person who can no longer take care of themselves. As an adult millennial, I witnessed my grandmother taking care of her elderly mother. This is where I learned about what the continuum of caregiving means for those of my generation. From working with physicians, therapists, and later hospice workers to collaborating with loved ones on monitoring exercise, medications, and company for elders within our reach. Working side-by-side with our elderly to maintain their comfort, dignity, and daily routine as much as affordably possible from diagnosis to hospice.
Because caretaking is an occupation that affects every generation. With nearly 24% of the 40 million family caregivers in the United States being fellow Millennials. Including my own personal caregiving journey.
With this in mind, here are a few very important roles to consider as a millennial caretaker or someone starting the journey of caretaking themselves at home:
Social Outreach
In this role, I made sure that she was cultivating and maintaining relationships with family and friends. Setting up scheduled FaceTime calls, holiday Google Hangouts, and the like. This allowed her to remain connected to memories and sensory stimulation. Vital to her in her later years as an Alzheimer’s patient.
Human Services
I often acted in the capacity of her social worker. Making sure her health insurance, premiums, deductibles, copayments, taxes, final arrangements (including the power of attorney methods were in place and acting as the executor of her will and living will), voter registration, and banking needs were are order. Requiring me to be both knowledgeable of her ever-changing personal information as well as in keeping her personal information is up-to-date and correct. I spent untold hours researching health programs, coverage overlaps, available medical grants, and prescription information. All the while compiling a veritable, working dossier of her information and effects each quarter year.
Chauffeur
Due to both an Alzheimer’s and glaucoma diagnosis, it was imperative that I be available to take her anywhere she needs to go. A skill that took time to coordinate between family members.
Keep in mind, as family members age, there is a lot to consider. Emotions that will come into play. Being ever mindful that despite a diagnosis, our elderly loved ones are not children, despite a child-like demeanor. A situation that requires caretakers to be even more mindful in their bedside manners. To be full of compassion, empathy, and readiness to change.
Caretaking is all about building relationships. Relationships built on a foundation of mutual respect. Even at times when I would be completely frustrated with my grandmother’s mood swings or absence of necessity of my own personal boundaries and personal identity, it was key for me to remain steadfast in my ability to remain calm, to ask for help when I became overwhelmed, and to remember who and what she was, my grandmother. A role that no diagnosis would be able to change.
As the most important of these roles being that of compassion. For no matter how challenging a day, I was presented, no matter how demanding my day, my commitment to her care was key. Despite how increasingly heartbreaking days became, it was an honor to aid her in whatever life brought our way.
Even in her later months, she taught me some of my most valuable lessons. Including the knowledge that love and compassion will continue to play vital roles throughout my life. That the dignity we give those we care for sets the stage for the care we hope to receive as elders ourselves. To always be mindful of the journey of others.
For that is ultimately where the heart of caretaking lies. A bedrock of love and compassion.
Friends, are you are caretaker? What are your tips for Millennial caretakers this season? Share your stories, tips, and thoughts below.